Life Part 3

I realize the last few posts may have been hard to read. The time was certainly difficult for me, and I have used this avenue to express my feelings about them. I thank you for allowing me to do it. I assure that happy times are indeed ahead, as these posts took longer to create than the events that inspired them, and life has moved on for the better in the interim.

Again, Thanks
-daniel


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Life, Part 3.


It was sunday, November 27th. A bright shiny day, the kind California is famous for. I woke up to my wife's agitated yells from the bathroom She was bleeding.

When you are pregnant, you are not supposed to bleed. It does happen, and sometimes it's ok. Mostly, it's bad. I rushed to the phone and paged the nurse on call. As we lay on the bed waiting, huddled against each other, we encountered a wave of sadness and doubt that i have ever experienced.
"Is this it? Is it happening?"
"I don't know?!"
"Oh God."
We cried in each other's arms. We told each other that if it was the end, we still loved each other, and that we could try again.

The nurse called, I gave the phone to Angela and she explained the situation. The nurse told us that, although it could be the "M", it could also be a myriad of other things. She told us to watch and wait for an hour, if the bleeding gets worse, come in to the hospital. But until it does, we would be more comfortable at home.

Great, more waiting.

We spend the rest of the day waiting in a zone of numbness. The bleeding actually trickled off and we felt a sense of maybe dodging a bullet. Angela called her boss and arranged to stay home until our wednesday appointment. I would go back to work, but be 'on call'. And that way, Monday began.

And ended in a blur. During this entire process at home, I was finishing an episode of my forensic show at work. By chance or by unconscious design, i was due to finish tuesday afternoon, with a co-worker to handle last minute notes on wednesday if they arrived. I spent the day in a disconnect, I simply would not think about what was happening at home, and focus on shaping the tragedy in front of me. It was a rape/murder case, but at least the guy was caught, so there was a happy ending. Still, the subject material doesn't exacty lend itself to cheering. I only told my producer about our vigil. She and I are close, and she has been very helpful during the entire process, handling my communications when we first had our ultrasound so I did not have to call multiple co-workers.

Tuesday went by quickly as well. Happily, the show as put to bed, and it looked like there would be no need for my or another editor on wednesday. Gladly, I went home and after dinner, Angela and I went to bed for our early morning appointment.

2am came and Angela shot awake with stabbing pains in her abdomen. I made ready to go to the hospital, but she stopped me. She said the pains were managable and she didn't want to wait for hours in an emergency room chair, we'd hang out until our 8am appointment. But the pains got worse and we packed it up for the emergency room. By 7am it was over. My wife was ok, but the baby had miscarried.

Now you can say that it was a natural thing, that the body knew something was wrong and took steps itself. Indeed it is almost overwhelming to see and experience your body working entirely of it's own accord. But still, we had made a place for our child, and now that place was unfilled. We said goodbye to the baby and held each other close. One day, we'll try again. Until then, we mourn the child that almost was.